THE PERFECT RELATIONSHIP
An exploration of some statements in relationship with the self, others and circumstances.
B. THE MIRROR C. THE SELF
01. We have come alone and we will return alone.D. OTHERS
05. To have good relationships requires self respect.E. SITUATIONS
xx. How do you deal with these changes?F. THE METAPHYSICAL DIMENSION
16. Silence is a perfect mirror.
 A. INTRODUCTIONRelationships are a major topic to deal with in our day to day life.Most of us are all the time involved in all kinds of interaction. Not only we are dealing with others, but also with matter, with situations and ... last but not least: with ourselves.
Within relationships there is giving and taking. Relationships give meaning to our life, they are a source of happiness ... but nowadays often also a source of misunderstanding and sorrow. What follows is an invitation to reflect on your own different patterns of interaction, as this can provide keys to greater happiness. This essay is mainly structured around various statements, which you can explore in your own way. They are formulated to be thought-provocative : in order to invite you to give it some further thoughts. You might or might not want to use the explanation provided...
First, let us develop this concept of the perfect relationship a bit deeper. We will then explore the various statements on the basis of four different levels of interaction, which of course are interconnected: B. THE MIRRORThe perfect relationship. You may think "this is impossible". You might even find it weird. Or perhaps you do have some experiences of a completely harmonising interaction here and there.Consciously or unconsciously, we are all looking for perfect and harmonising relationships who provide a source for lasting happiness. But even if you don't believe them to ever become real, you can still visualize it: inside we all know quite well how the perfect relationship would (should) look like.
Here lies our basic tool: if you can visualize it, you can start realising it! Perhaps not immediately and completely as you would like, but definitely little by little and for the best of it...
The subject of relationships is of course a very broad one and the purpose here is not to go into a psychological analysis.
It is common knowledge that our consciousness has a much higher potential; it says that we only use a fraction of our faculties.
In order to develop higher levels of consciousness however and in order to balance our lives we need to be aware of some basic laws. Moreover we need to understand them and implement them on a daily basis. C. THE SELF1. We have come alone and we will return alone.If we look at it in terms of consciousness, we are all unique, with our own feelings, thoughts, perceptions and reflections. 'There is no one like me': we all play our own part and nobody else can change that or play the role of someone else.But this is also means I am completely alone. I came alone and I will go alone.
Of course this does not mean that we cannot rely on anyone else or that we shouldn't interact. And neither does this imply that we should do everything on our own.
ExampleNot to dare to express your (completely different) opinion because you fear being isolated.ExampleTo try to convince others to think or do things as I do, in order to confirm myself or my own way of doing or in order not to feel 'alone'.2. Our relationships with others is a reflection of the relationship with ourselves.There is a saying: you are your own best friend and your own worst enemy. If we like ourselves, that will definitely reflect onto our interactions with others; and if we disrespect ourselves, our dealings with others will tend to be so too.Our interactions with others project to us a lot of information about the relationship we have with ourselves. Perhaps this might not always be enjoyable to notice, but if we take it as an observation, we can do a lot with it.
For instance: we can start seeing others as a teacher who comes to teach us something, to share a quality or to inspire a specific power.
ExampleWe don't meet people just like that; we attract them, and they attract us, on the basis of personality and vibrations. We are all consciousness and the energy we radiate invisibly works.ExampleThe micro-community of a group puts us directly in front of our own character. In such an intense environment we can learn a lot. Someone's bossiness for instance may reveal your own urge to dominate in a more subtle way.ExampleNot to trust someone. Do you trust yourself?3. The perfect relationship with ourselves is the relationship with our perfect Self.Just take some time to stand before a mirror, to look at yourself and to say aloud: "I love myself". What feeling do you get?To really be able to love ourselves, we first have to be able to go beyond the limitations of our present state of being. We can then connect with our original Self and discover ourselves as a pure and positive source of energy.
When there is an eclipse of the sun, it doesn't mean there's no light any more; we understand that we're only passing a moment in which the light cannot reach us any more.
To make a connection with my perfect Self means to allow a higher vision of myself to enter ; it means to redefine myself in term of higher consciousness (cfr. chapter B, The mirror), incarnated in a body, sending out vibrations (thought energy) constantly.
ExampleIn Indian mythology Vishnu symbolizes the perfect form: it is a creature with four arms, integrating both the male and female forms and qualities. It is a symbolic referral to a stage of higher consciousness and perfection within. It is a forgotten reminder of how we can work towards harmony by implementing both female and male qualities, yin and yang energies.ExampleWithin western culture also we find archetypes of stimulating perfection and higher consciousness: the angels.4. The lesser the experience of the perfect Self, the greater the projection.We all possess the 'archetype' of perfection, the collective memory of a time where we experienced higher consciousness, higher qualities and powers. Definitely each one in his/her own way and at his/her own specific level, due to the uniqueness of all of us.
Now, the further we alienate from that original state of awareness, the more we tend to search outside ourselves for compensation and the more we start projecting this inner desire for perfection and balance outwardly.
ExampleThe worship of gods and goddesses in ancient cultures and the 'worship' of pop- and film stars.ExampleThe guru-syndrome: making you dependent from and looking up towards a person as if he/she is the one who is going to 'save' (heal, transform, ...) you.Reflecting on the SelfBefore going on you might be interested in a practical exercise to increase self respect. You could call it reflecting on the Self.Simply use your power of thoughts, try to tune into the following wordings by reading or speaking them or by using them as source material for a silent contemplation. Create yourself a comfortable zone and try feeling what is really hidden behind the words.
I'm sitting comfortably, relaxed... D. OTHERS5. To have good relationships requires self respect.A harmonious relationship creates a positive exchange, i.e. the giving and taking of qualities: peace, patience, appreciation, regard, love, happiness, joy, honesty, generosity, enthusiasm, ...To be able to do so however, we definitely need self respect. If I am aware of my own value, I am strong and I have self-confidence. I am then able to recognize the qualities of others.
Profound self respect however can only be attained if we approach ourselves differently - read: spiritually. It requires a kind of mother/father attitude towards ourself: being able to care and inspire lovingly in order to gain confidence and open up to experiment and also being able to determine limits and regulations in order to preserve one's integrity and assure growth.
If I'm lacking self respect, I'll tend to have conditional relationships to fill up a 'gap'; it will then be difficult to share without expecting any return. I will tend to be complementary to those people possessing qualities I don't have; and vice versa.
ExampleHaving a relationship not to be 'lonely'. However: if we want to have good relationships we definitely need to be able to be alone also, i.e. on our own, without feeling lonely. It is an indication for inner strength and self respect necessary for a lasting and honest exchange.ExampleNot accepting someone's role or jealousy towards someone's role can be a good indication of lack of self respect. This results in seeing defects for instance and limits others in their freedom and creativity instead of stimulating them.ExampleWanting to proof or affirm yourself. Doing so, you might not be enriching the relationship, but trying to hide your own weakness.ExampleTo have the courage to stand up and honestly and respectfully share your opinion when it is necessary, whatever the consequences might be.6. Giving respect means receiving respect.Respecting others refers to the ability to value, to be able to assess the value within them. Love for others reflects itself in a different approach towards them.To approach others as unique beings, as a consciousness full of potentialities and positive qualities creates a good foundation for all interactions. A loving attitude equally creates space in which others can discover and realize themselves.
The more we give respect, the more we receive respect, sooner or later.
ExampleDetecting someone's special qualities is giving him/her respect; this involves having an eye for value.ExampleAllow somebody to take the place in front of you ... in the supermarket, traffic, queue...7. Communication is exchanging energy.Many problems within relationships are caused by lack and/or derailed communication and/or lack of understanding. Being able to listen and having empathy are 'arts' of life helping us to appreciate the uniqueness of others. They are indispensable in making real contact possible.
In the process of communication, we do not only use the language of words and signs, but also the subtle language of vibrations. Because all the thoughts you think and emotions you experience create a field of energy. These cannot be stopped or altered and constantly resonate. Interaction thus implies a constant exchange of energy. When expectations, prejudices, projections and masks fall down, the path becomes clear for a real and authentic exchange. This means that within relationships we honestly express our feelings, thoughts and opinions, and that we constantly aim to do that in the best possible way.
ExampleA mother who worries because father hasn't come home yet; her child easily feels it, however hard the mother may try to hide her anxiety.ExampleAt certain places we feel very comfortable, relaxed; at other places we feel 'tension in the air'.ExampleThe difference between someone speaking from his/her own experience and someone who speaks 'with his/her head'.8. Unconditional acceptance requires detached love.Communication and relationships fall or stand on the basis of love. Of course there are a many reflections to be made on this universal topic. So let us just continue on the basis of our initial angle (cfr. chapter B).
We already explored how there is a constant exchange of energy within our interactions. If we are capable to assess the value of someone, i.e. to value him/her, then we are giving a form of love.
The problem however is that we are fastly caught up in expectations or prejudices...
To love doesn't mean to hold onto, it rather means to let go. It creates space in which the other feels good and has the freedom to express his/her uniqueness, without losing regard or appreciation.
ExampleThe disappointment a mother experiences when her children, after bringing them up, don't follow the way she had wanted them to go.ExampleThe capacity and patience to explain something to somebody is an expression of love.ExampleTo try to make others dependent on you by pleasing them in a variety of ways. Or to try to change others.9. The perfect relationship starts with the perfect couple (balance) within.Harmonious relationships are one of the main conditions to realize happiness. Especially within couples this turns out to be quite a challenge, as this type of relationship is a very close one.It is good to realize that there is a couple within that first needs to be dealt with, before I can truly transform relationships outside.
The nostalgia of the perfect couple perhaps has to be considered as a reflection of the subconscious strive towards 'wholeness', towards 'two in one'.
One thing is complementarity, in which two persons complement each other. Another thing is dependency, or, as Robin Norwood expresses, slavery, in which people experience bondage.
ExampleFor instance: an extrovert person with an introvert partner. This can be complementary, but can also evolve towards a situation of domination.ExampleA relationship can become addictive. If the person isn't there, you just can't stand it; and when the person is there it might be less and less satisfying too.ExampleA husband taking up household activities or caring for the children develops his female side.ExampleA housewife always wanting to please her husband out of fear to be rejected perhaps needs to implement some assertiveness.10. First thoughts, then feelings.We often tend to think that feelings come first. Perhaps because our feelings often are predominant when something happens.Nevertheless thoughts are at the basis of our feelings.
Feelings are the crystallisation of certain thoughts or thought patterns. It is as if we programmed our feelings with our thoughts, reflections or visions; we run these 'programs' in fractions of seconds and sometimes they even start leading their own life. (see also: article on creative and positive thinking ).
The purer the energy of our feelings the better they serve us in creating the perfect relationship. Pure here means: positive, free of being self centred, free of attachment, hatred, anger, ego etc.
ExampleThoughts of comparison lead to jealousy.ExampleWe've often not learnt to speak about our feelings, moreover: often we are not even aware of what we feel. It is as if we have to learn the language of feelings. The spontaneity of children expressing themselves may be a good source of inspiration here !ExampleGroups are an unique medium to learn more about yourself, to experiment, and above all to learn about your feelings: to feel your fears, to carry out your enthusiasm, to be joyful because of change, to confront your lack of confidence, to feel love in stead of irritation, to be grateful for given opportunities, ...11. Each relationship requires active investment.Relationships needs to be nurtured in one way or another. It is an art to sustain each of our relationships in the most appropriate way.
Especially in those relationships we experience difficulty, we tend to avoid contact in stead of using the right input.
Investment does mean communication. But also just good wishes, a smile or an attention... It also means never to blow up bridges yourself.
ExampleTo actively see qualities of your colleagues at work and to write them down. This can be an entertaining method, whereby you're concentrated on the finding of specific qualities or virtues.ExampleTo be able to listen is a golden capacity. It increases empathy, which makes the other feel he/she is being heard (read: respected).Action planIf you're interested in a practical exercise:
Take some time to reflect on some or one of your most important relationships, at home, at work or anywhere else...
E. SITUATIONSHow do you deal with these changes?A relationship of a completely different nature concerns our interactions with different (external) situations and circumstances which come on our way.The way we deal with them is an important factor determining our happiness or sorrow.
So let us - as a matter of introduction to this chapter - reflect some time on our approach to change.
12. Life is constant change(s).Situations around us indeed change constantly, with greater or lesser importance, creating bigger or smaller changes...We constantly need to adapt ourselves in one way or another. How do we deal with those changes? And how can we prepare ourselves to become better managers of change? These are some of the questions we need to answer if we want to maintain a contented life in a fast developing world.
Perhaps we like to deny changes, or we may want to fight them; perhaps we don't know how to tackle things or we haven't the courage to start doing so.
The first thing we have to do if we really want to cope with changes is to accept that life itself is a continuous chain of changes.
ExampleRelationships are a flexible reality; they are always changing as we play different roles. At some moments in our lives our pattern of relationships may change thoroughly, for instance after a marriage or at retirement.ExampleWhen the train is late, time can be used constructively also, for example by having some mental relaxation exercise or read a print-out of this essay :-) !ExampleFeelings of being useless after retirement can be transformed into an active engagement whereby one offers one's skills and experience in a third age center course.13. Life is just a stage.We all are actors on a huge stage called earth. Shakespeare wrote about it and for the ancient Greeks it was a fundamental concept.The awareness of playing roles - in stead of being a role - creates natural detachment from the activities and finally the results of our performances. By looking at ourselves as actors, using our bodies to perform, we instill a little space between us and the action enabling us to remain less involved.
A harmonious relationship with situations and circumstances requires this state of observer continuously, if we don't want to end up in turmoil.
ExampleSomeone says something unjust about you. Instead of reacting and/or justifying immediately or getting into emotions, you can perhaps better concentrate internally and listen carefully what is really going on or what is behind this statement. You can then choose freely what the best possible reaction could be.ExampleWhilst communicating with others, our mind is often concentrated on what we want to say next. This prevents us from really concentrating on what the other is saying.14. You reap what you sow.The purpose here is not to fully analyse all the factors and laws determine change. One principle however offers us a fundamental key to better understand the meaning of various situations and circumstances occurring in our lives. It is the law of action and reaction.
Every action we perform, whether positive or negative, will create an equal reaction. Action in this context doesn't only refer to our physical actions but also to our words and even thoughts. This principle is often completely misunderstood as it doesn't mean at all that I shouldn't do anything anymore as 'anyway everything is predestined'. Yes, it does mean that everything is correlated with a good reason, but also that I am fixing that good reason all the time too. We are thus the creator of our own future, at each and every step, which elevates us to the status of artists and sculptors of our own lives.
ExampleSickness as a consequence of a negative thought pattern. Sickness as a result of an unhealthy life style.ExampleFinding a good job after a period of intense study.ExampleHead ache because of irritation.ExampleGood neighbours because of a helping attitude and bad neighbours because of a sulking attitude.15. Positive is always stronger than negative.Once we start understanding how the metaphysical principles of energy fonction, we also start ache how positive energy is always stronger than negative energy. Because positive vibrations are at a higher vibrating level than negative ones.
The art of life consists in transforming whatever comes to us, in order to maintain a positive vision and constructive attitude.
ExampleWhen we experience reverse, it is good to realize that it is the difficult situations that can make us powerful.ExampleActively discover qualities within your colleagues at work and write them down.ExamplePractising to send good thoughts and wishes to all around you when you are in a traffic jam.ExampleSickness is a healthy reaction of our body, showing us something is going wrong in our life.ExampleTo discuss your problems with someone you can trust, and learning from their experience and emotions.ExampleSomething which doesn't go as planned, can also be seen as a challenge for my creativity. To find solutions is an art, whereby the greatness often lies in the small.F. THE METAPHYSICAL DIMENSIONThere is another level of interaction yet to be defined: our relationship with that which cannot be seen, not be heard, tasted or perceived by any of our physical senses. You could call it the metaphysical dimension, the dimension beyond the physical.
We are all very familiar with the nature of our thoughts. Each day we can observe how we cannot grasp them physically, but how they are nevertheless so real and influential. Thoughts respond to different laws, they belong to another reality we cannot see, hear or touch with our physical senses. 16. Silence is a perfect mirror.Silence - read: silence of the mind - offers us space and opportunity to reflect. Silence enables us to realize ourselves; for we are consciousness. In silence we can explore our innate qualities: love, peace, joy, wisdom, clarity, mercy, ... Silence enables us to charge our battery.Silence is an ideal tool to improve our relationship with ourselves, with others and situations around us.
It is our intellect which guides our thoughts. With the right knowledge and insight, our intellect becomes clear and is able to lead our mind into silence, whenever we want. ExampleTo have a moment of silence before a meeting or discussion to help everybody focusing his/her energy.ExampleWhen making important decisions we need a clear and powerful consciousness in order to see all aspects, maintain objectivity and determine priorities. Sometimes just by going into silence a solution may come; for our mind is highly creative in a state of silence.ExampleTo learn to listen to that little voice within: intuition.17. The perfect relationship has an incorporeal foundation.It is the quality of a relationship that counts.However, we often assess our interactions in terms of quantity, status, functionality, colour, sexuality, profit, ... even much more subtle than we imagine. In the long term these assessments may harm our relationships more and more.
If we aim not to be blinded by corporeal qualifications and focus on others as unique - incorporeal - beings, real contact and a deeper level of exchange becomes possible. ExampleRacism is an expression of 'body consciousness' and a lack of the vision of brotherhood.ExampleCompetition or hatred often grows from an identification with one's role.18. The perfect relationship is union with the Supreme.The Supreme has been remembered in many forms and ways throughout all cultures and religions and especially in the form of Light.In silence we can focus on the Supreme, in whatever way we see/understand Him/Her and experience an union which enlightens. The relationship with the Supreme is a touchstone for our multiple relationships. The Supreme colours me with the care of a mother, the strength of a father, the innocence of a child, the tenderness of a beloved, the trust of a friend, the dedication of a teacher.
ExampleWhen I experience difficulties in a particular relationship I can take some minutes to go into silence, create some good wishes for the betterment of our interaction and quietly put it in the hand of the Supreme.ExampleWhen I feel hatred coming up, it might be a good moment to recall the universal love of the Supreme.Closing noteIf you are interested in the topic of meditation, you might find some useful information and links on the 'Take some time to meditate' page.You'll find practical & free courses here. This essay is a result of personal experiences and practice over many years. Feel free to use it in any way you feel like and don't hesitate to feedback or e-mail any comments or experiences you would like to share. Thanks in advance.
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Zudan ® - E-mail - Revised document: 21/09/1999
